My Bullies From ’90s & ’00s Nokia, Finland and What Happened to Me

Created by DALL·E 3 from my prompt

AB. Forced me to eat a spider at kindergarten age among other acts. (I remember how we were in a playhouse and he said he would not let me leave if I wouldn’t eat it. I don’t remember properly what happened next. He probably shoved it in my mouth. I remember my mother telling me years later that he had done such a thing to me.) Invaded my home with his brother once during those years, locked the bathroom door so that my mother couldn’t get there and stuffed feces in my mouth. At another time, he shoved cat feces from the litter box to my mouth. When I was in kindergarten age, he kicked me in the testicles. (I remember my mother taking me to a doctor for a checkup after it and me complaining about no one doing anything to AB. There is no entry about this in my medical records.) AB also told me he had raped me when we were small children. I don’t remember that event well. A (bad) friendship developed between us at primary school age. At junior high school age I tried to cut ties with him. He became mad and taught my school bullies below, LK and JR, how to hypnotize me. AB himself had previously inferfered with my life with hypnosis. ”If I can’t have you, then no one will,” he said during one situation at primary school age. AB told me they had hypnotized me into depression following his instructions. ”Wouldn’t it have been better to be my friend?” he said to me. I was, at least, hypnotized at junior high school (Nokianvirta School) to forget events that had raised my self-esteem and well-being. Once, as AB was bullying me, I asked him how he would feel, if someone did the same to him. He answered: ”But no one does. So what does it have to do with this? Why do people keep asking that?” AB and his brother watched that I wouldn’t remember and reveal that their mother (AL) had sexually abused me as a small child. He didn’t want me to remember that my mother had sexually abused me either, if I would call the police. (A couple of situations about this that ended with memory loss for me happened.) AB told me he is a sadist when we were at school age. At kindergarten age he told me he worships Satan. I have a memory from early childhood of he giving me an eating disorder by hypnotically making food taste bad to me. (”Then you’ll get to always eat your favorite food,” I remember he saying to make me more receptive to it. I liked only fish sticks and grated carrots after that. Potatoes made me vomit. My mother took me at least once to the Nokia health-care centre because I didn’t eat. As usual, there isn’t a single entry about this topic in my medical records.)

JH. For example, kept hold of me when AB’s brother, the now-dead (Or that’s what they told me, at least.) DB, kicked me in the knee so that it dislocated. I was 4 or 5 and he two years older. Physically attacked me repeatedly with the B brothers when I was playing alone outside. At primary school age (There was a ”bad friendship” between us too.) I asked him why he had done it and he answered without seeming like he had changed: ”It was fun. You didn’t resist at all.” Once he bullied me: ”You don’t know what we did to you as children.” ”Who has taught you how to hit on women!?” JH once roughed me up mad and jealous, when I was at primary school age. ”You don’t panic anymore,” he said to me during one situation. I remember that AB, at least, caused me panic attacks when I was a small child — he shocked me by revealing his evilness — and apparently JH took part in it too. He had a habit of burning ants with a magnifying glass at elementary school age. I joined him at it at least once.

(My single parent mother, EM, didn’t get me help because she was afraid I would get fostered. I heard her say that on the phone. She didn’t take care of my well-being at all and apparently saw me as her property that she didn’t want to give up. ”Quit your whining!” she yelled at me when I wanted to be with my friends at the kindergarten. She studied for a high school diploma and entrance exams as a 40-year-old when I was tormented outside. She didn’t do well and later became a janitor and a newspaper carrier. EM sexually abused me a few times when I was at kindergarten and primary school age. Afterwards she hypnotized me to forget it. She was also a hoarder. I was ashamed of my home and felt like I couldn’t bring anyone there. I also have memories of being in a child protection process, but there are no mentions of it in my medical records. According to my memories, my mother also told me as an older child that there was an attempt to take me into custody. ”But me and (my godmother) A# went and got you out of there,” she said. I don’t know if something like that can happen. One related memory of mine is my mother holding a box of candy and coaxing me to come back home from some sort of facility. Once at primary school age, after returning home, my mother asked me angrily if I had talked to girls because my face was red. She said she didn’t like it when I asked what was wrong with it and felt confused.)

SL. Intentionally pulled down a shelf so that it fell on my head at primary school age.

TK. Among other things shot me in the eye with an airsoft gun. Hit me on the eyelid, thankfully. Found out that my mother had sexually abused and bullied me about it relentlessly. ”Go fuck your mother.” (I didn’t believe it.)

LK. A bully from primary school (Myllyhaka School) to high school. ”If you expose me as an adult, I’ll just pretend to have changed,” he told me at a hallway of Nokia High School. He at primary school: ”If you tell the teacher, all of us other boys will just deny it. You won’t get anyone to testify.” To the other boys in the junior high school locker room about his actions in primary school: ”I tried to destroy him in primary school already but girls started to defend him.” He mocked me at Nokianvirta School after hypnotizing me: ”He doesn’t remember. Let’s not remind him.” & ”He obviously thinks he’s ugly.” I didn’t understand what he was talking about, but I did feel ugly. He (with others, I guess) also hypnotized me to forget my situation with the girl S. I had decided to start dating her. Later, she became mad at the amnesic me and gave her virginity to one of my bullies without knowing what they had done to me. ”AB’s plan worked perfectly,” LK said about S to me and a group of boys at Nokia High School when he was bullying me about what had happened. ”S is my friend on Facebook!” he said and jeered that she didn’t know what had happened. Amnesia as a trauma reaction ensued for me; I probably partially did it to myself to escape the shock. LK told me he would try to turn others against me in high school. There he also caused me a panic attack (which lead to amnesia) by saying: ”Guess who’s also a psychopath? Your mother.” He also said: ”We made you depressed. You won’t take a girl from anyone anymore.” LK’s mother was in the parents’ association and knew her son was a psychopath or similar and bullied me. She, however, didn’t monitor the situation. ”The only solution to this situation is to make you two friends. LK is like that.” — or phrased slightly differently — I was told at early stage of primary school, as LK started to bully me even before girls became infatuated with me. (The same applies to some of the other citations in this post. Some sentences I remember word for word and some not quite. I do remember the core content of the verbal exchanges clearly, though.)

HT. Got mad and said he would lose the interest of girls after I had called him crooked in their presence at primary school. Caused me to start blushing somehow on fourth grade. (By embarrassing me, I guess.) ”It’s in your nervous system and you’ll never get rid of it!” he said. (I suspect and dimly remember that he embarrassed me by telling everyone in the classroom that I had slept in the same bed with my mother. I did that for some time then — usually with my feet toward the opposite direction than my mother — without seeing it as strange if I didn’t stop to think about it. I suspect that was done to me, too, with hypnosis or mind control methods similar to hypnosis like some of my memory losses and some of my sexual abuse by my mother. (Once or twice as a small child I possibly didn’t understand what was happening and once I was asleep. I thought my mother was ugly and as an older child I had an understanding of what sex was. Because of that I don’t believe it was ever consensual and conscious like with AL — respect was missing then too though. I also remember rejecting my mother’s suggestions of sex in a shocked state. I may have told her that she is my mother in addition to calling her ugly. My memories of other sexual abuse situations with my mother are hazy and she must have been able to cause them by some other method.) I remember my mother coaxing me to return when I had left for my bed or had gone to sleep in it and possibly even succeeding.) He bullied me a lot about it at primary school and junior high school. I suspect some adult had taught him how to do it. Took delight and pride in causing me suffering: ”… and then you start blushing.” ”He’s afraid of fighting,” he and MJ laughed in the hallway of Nokianvirta School. HT’s mother was in the parents’ association, too, and knew he bullied me. ”Bullying him doesn’t work, if he remembers he’s the favorite of girls,” HT said at primary school. ”Forgive us or we’ll continue bullying you,” he said of him and LK in the last days of primary school. I refused and said: ”Then, you’ll continue.” In junior high school, he knew about me getting hypnotized and what happened with S and said he didn’t take part in it at all.

##2. Didn’t accept girls liking me more than him in primary school. Took part in bullying me because of this with all the other boys in my class. ”All the boys are on my side,” LK was able to bully me in the third grade, I believe. ”You don’t get braces because you’re afraid we’ll bully you. We achieved to make you uglier,” ##2 told me. He was in the same junior high school and high school with me and didn’t show regret. (Edited on July 9, 2024: Name changed because the memories do not feel quite one hundred percent certain. I would bet on their truth, but I couldn’t swear in court it happened. And his non-intervention in the type of bullying he witnessed, alone…)

MA. A bully in primary school. He was often friendly towards me, but was, in reality, a bully and on the side of the bullies. He usually left direct bullying for others. Looked at me and sneered after an art class my mother had taught as a substitute had ended. I had spent a big part of the class leaning my head against the desk with my fingers in my ears and my eyes closed. I was that ashamed of my mother.

JR. ”I will destroy your self-esteem,” he told me at Nokianvirta School. Sprinted and kicked me as a surprise attack causing me to hit my head on the floor in a school corridor. At Nokia High School he bullied me about my depression with spittle flying saying my hippocampus will shrink and I will eventually commit suicide. Knew that my mother had sexually abused me, but instead of helping, bullied me about it. ”You live in a hell, but you don’t know it.” I didn’t understand what he was talking about. JR practiced judo and knew how to choke me unconscious (yet another way to cause me amnesia) in the locker room at Nokianvirta School. Got mad at junior high school, when I told about one bullying incident (He let me listen to his MP3 player and then put it at maximum volume. He said he did it so that I would get tinnitus and would never again be able to enjoy silence.) to a girl he was infatuated with. She apparently became cold towards him after realizing what he was like. ”You took N from me!” He said he would destroy my life as a revenge with the help of AB. I bullied JR myself in the first or second grade by calling him fat. A person who is not completely evil can bully and a person who is completely evil can get bullied… ”Do you know why girls left you alone? Because we bully you,” JR told me at eighth grade and was happy about it. (One girl had said it was better to do so because otherwise they would all get infatuated with me. Another said I would be in trouble with boys otherwise.) ”We only pretend to be friendly towards you during classes,” he told me during a ninth grade Finnish class. When LK, for some reason, tried to finally tell me, without a bullying intention, at high school that my mother had sexually abused me (”Don’t kill me when you remember,” he said.), JR once intervened: ”No! He can’t become free!” He also jeered at high school that he had made me depressed and that I wasn’t interested in sex because of that. ”You will miss out on youth. We will live it,” JR said there.

VP. Bullied me with JR at Nokia High School. They once confronted me in a hallway and JR said: ”VP is better than you at philosophy. And the biggest ladies’ man in the school. It could be you instead.”

MR. Bullied and bothered me with some mean words at Nokia High School. He gave me getting one of my bullies, his friend, expelled from there as the reason for it. I had done something unfair according to him. These people have a different sense of justice.

LL. Confronted me in a Nokia High School hallway after I had debunked him and the right wing in a philosophy class by saying there are rich people in Finland too. Knew something about my situation with my classmates from lower stages of education and asked me with hostility, if I thought it was right to expose psychopaths. ”How do you know I’m not a psychopath?” he asked me. I said that then he probably is.

AT. A bully in kindergarten (Other kids also bullied me there and some adults too in addition to typically not intervening properly at least. I was once pushed to the ground there so that I landed on face, my nose started bleeding and I was taken to a healthcare centre. The group of boys somehow got me to say that I had fell, but my mother didn’t believe it. I met many of my future school bullies there as bullies, MA and JR at least, in addition to AT. {A memory or a false memory from elementary school of the words of one of my bullies: ”We didn’t even know why we bullied you in daycare. We were just told to do so.” Did the adults, who possibly coordinated my bullying, allow a ”period of organic bullying” when it was about the attention of girls at school.}) and junior high school. He proudly to other boys in the Nokianvirta School locker room: ”I bullied him in kindergarten.” Bullied or tried to bully me about my mouth that stays open when completely relaxed. (When I was a small child, my mother once asked me to keep my mouth closed during a health check-up, so that this malady wouldn’t get noticed. She didn’t want to hear complaints about child-rearing and housekeeping, I guess.) Once at junior high school, AT pushed me and when I defended myself, he tried to kick me in the groin.

JA. Bullied me for about two years in primary school attacking me physically every once in a while. For example, assaulted me from behind, pushed me over and pressed my head on the ground so that my nose crackled. HT and LK cheered him to bully me. JA tried to feign being a good guy when bullying me and sometimes sought for a pseudo-justification for his actions in me having bullied too. A girl in our class had, after a convoluted series of events, promised to have sex with him if he started to bully me. (LK told me that he and the other boys bullied me because the girls in our class were infatuated with me. He said they would not start going out with them because of this. Someone had caused me to forget my position. He said they would stop bullying me if I took the girl as my girlfriend or insulted her. I chose the latter. I went and called her a whore following LK’s instructions. I was not infatuated with her and I didn’t remember how she had been helpful to me in the past. And I had forgotten my past sexual experiences. (There were a few with girls too.) I also got mad at her after one girl in our class told me she had forbidden the rest of them from speaking to me. JA told me on one occasion that he didn’t bully me because I had insulted her even though he pretended so. He possibly (not a 100% certain memory) also told everyone not to tell the girl the reason I had insulted her after possibly hearing about it only later and lied to her later that he didn’t know. (Edit 10. January 2024: A memory of JA roughing me up and demanding not to tell the girl feels just about crystal clear. Later the girl insisted me to tell her whether he had been there when LK told me to insult her. I didn’t remember and couldn’t answer. JA also appeared there and denied it. Whether he had heard about it later wasn’t talked about. I don’t remember JA commenting to me about the topic and the possible surprise to him at all. He had also spent a lot of time with LK and HT then…) LK didn’t keep his promise to stop bullying me at all. The situation lasted long and I kept forgetting how it had begun. Someone was probably causing me memory loss. Once or twice I understood I had been entrapped but I couldn’t admit it to myself fully. I attacked the girl verbally instead of telling her what had happened.)

MH. A bully in elementary school. I told him in the lobby of the school dentist that I had told the dentist I was already the most popular boy in the class when she had tried to talk me into getting orthodontics by saying girls would like me more. Haapanen started pushing me and demanded me to say I wasn’t the favorite of girls. ”I’m good looking for real unlike you,” he said to me another time.

MK. Got angry in junior high school when his girlfriend had a crush on me and left him. I apologized but LK egged him on: ”He’s proud of it.” He knew memories were taken from me. ”He took A from me!” MK said when his brother tried to make him not join in bullying me.

SA. Bullied me with the others in junior high school when I was caused memory loss. I thoughtlessly bullied him myself somewhat in primary school. But thankfully he was not a good person then either. I found only bad company in which I drifted with a fogged up mind and went haywire sometimes. SA liked Nazis in junior high school. And he didn’t think Jews are evil, I believe. ”We won’t leave you alone,” he said after I told him and JR to do so in eighth grade. They had left me alone aiming to hurt me, but after my life only got better then as I got in contact with girls again, they started to bully me. ”AT bullies you,” he bullied me in junior high school. I was ashamed of being bullied then.

JK. Grabbed me by my shirt at junior high school when I solved IQ puzzles better than him in math class. ”You are not smarter than me!” Told me at primary school that he doesn’t bully, but is selfish. Belonged to boys who seemingly weren’t on my side or on LK’s side and were friendly towards me too. I don’t know what to think about his attempts to help me that seem lacking. He, for example, told me to get an antidepressant medication at junior high school. Knew about me getting hypnotized.

MJ. Present and bullying when JR choked me unconscious in the junior high school locker room, for example. He and other boys got annoyed, when instigaged by LK, at me sitting with girls during recesses and making them laugh. ”You are a bastard” and ”Society doesn’t progress if men like you take the women,” he told me and said he would become a doctor. ”You think I wanna be a doctor to help people?” he said when we talked about it in the changing room. He saw the Holocaust as an exciting thing. ”Juuso, do you know what ’the robbery of S’ means?” he asked me alluding to the girl who was taken from me in a strange way. I didn’t understand at all what he was talking about. MJ studied at Nokia High School, didn’t show remorse and took part in at least one hostile hallway situation in which my bullying history and memory were talked about.

MJ2. My homeroom teacher in junior high school. Just grinned and didn’t help when I told him and other teachers that I suspected my mother had sexually abused me and was a psychopath. I told them that I didn’t remember the sexual abuse but felt my mother was gross. ”Oh, so she’s a psychopath too?”, ”It’s not believable that your mother is like that” and ”Surely this isn’t about Juuso not wanting to do housework?” MJ2 backtalked and questioned me as if reflexively. ”Do you notice anything strange in MJ2? You others listen solemnly and he’s grinning,” I told the other teachers. (My bullies probably caused me memory loss after I had talked to the teachers. LK and JR were constantly after me in the school hallways. I didn’t get a chance to think about my situation. My mother may have done it too. She was able to get me from sleep to hypnosis and asked me what had happened at school. I hated her and didn’t normally speak to her but under hypnosis I trusted everyone.) One of the teachers tried to help me by giving me a telephone counseling number on a slip of paper. At home, my mother searched my backpack and confiscated it from me. ”Who gave you this number?” she asked me when I was asleep. (I wonder how she knew to do it. I don’t believe she searched my backpack every day.) ”I don’t feel like helping you,” MJ2 told me after I had got annoyed at his behavior. (JR2 and EH were others who didn’t help. ”Your life may get better later. It might happen at my age,” the latter said. ”There’s no escape from this shit,” I had said about my mother, my bullies and MJ2. MJ2 didn’t intervene in bullying and instead downplayed it and blamed me for it. ”We need to get along with others.” He got mad when I called LK a psychopath. ”So LK can freely bully me but I can’t call him a psychopath?” I asked him. ”That’s punishing him too much!” he thundered at me. I suspected MJ2 was a psychopath too based on that. ”The world isn’t fair,” he also told me. ”Yeah, because people like you make it unfair,” I answered. MJ2 suggested that I switched schools. I turned down the idea and said it wouldn’t be enough to get LK out of my life because I needed to get rid of my mother too. ”So it’s all or nothing?” he said and left it there. No teacher at Nokianvirta School showed interest in my home situation or my mother after I had talked about it.

[So the teachers behaved the same way in the same situation when they didn’t help me properly. Was it just Finnish culture and jealousy or something similar? But would a female teacher have had a reason for jealousy? Another, completely crazy, explanation would be that they were ”Satan worshipers” (secular atheists living in an exciting way?) and that they have their desires, an operating model, rules and a reward system? Could it even have been the teachers who caused me the memory loss? Did the teachers know before the situation that each of them would act like that? Or did they find other Satan worshipers by coincidence? I even told the teachers I suspected I had got hypnotized to forget things. ”So hypnosis doesn’t exist either?” I annoyedly asked MJ2 when he immediately rebutted my thought. (I had had to say the same about psychopaths.) Why didn’t they get me a healthcare appointment if I sounded like I had mental health issues? Not all of them seemed to find what I had said terribly interesting either… In addition, I was as serious as I could be… MJ2 suggested that they’d talk to my mother. I said all that would lead to would be they believing her lies, which she would tell in a particular rehearsed and convincing tone of voice. I also said they didn’t take me seriously because it was about a mother and not about a father. And because my mother wasn’t an alcoholic and I behaved well and didn’t cut myself, for example. Did I give them an excuse by going into an antagonistic state of thinking along the lines of ”You’re not gonna help me anyway!”? (Understandable for a teenager, I feel, and caused by who knows what.)]

JR2. A teacher in junior high school. Bullied me about blushing and being nervous during class. ”What’s wrong with him?” he laughingly asked the other students. I got mad and said: ”Hey JR2, go fuck yourself!” He got mad and said he wanted to punch me in the face. ”Oh you feel like that. What are you going to say to the police? ’I bullied my student and when he backtalked, I punched him.’?” I answered. We later went over the situation with the principal and JR2 apologized me.

MA2. A teacher in primary school. Didn’t get me help when I told him and the school nurse that I had beaten my mother with a belt and wanted to get into a children’s home. ”A children’s home is not the right place for you and whatever has happened, you need to make up.” I asked to get to talk to ”a psychologist or someone” but they didn’t arrange that. They asked me if my mother had sexually abused me. I said no. I didn’t remember. I frustratedly asked if nothing else mattered. I told them I had choked my mother when she repeatedly came into my room without knocking and answered my protests by saying in a very annoying manner: ”Oh, does Juuso need privacy?” ”Did you choke her hard?” the nurse asked me not paying attention to the rest of the story. ”As hard as I could,” I answered. My brain melted as my plight wasn’t taken seriously. I told them how my mother had yelled at me and left me unprotected as a child. ”Well, does she still do it?” MA2 challenged me. There are no mentions of these meetings in my medical records, even though they include some entries by the school nurses. MA2 visited my home and said it didn’t look as bad as I had said. He talked privately with my mother. I heard my mother ask him if the matter could be kept within the school because ”the social services people are so prejudiced towards single mothers”. MA2 put me in the same class with HT and LK in high school and said we need to make up. This means he was incapable or unwilling to see the difference between bullying and quarrelling. ”You trust adults too much. MA2 is a pedophile,” my now-dead (His neighbor shot him twice in the head in the parking lot of their apartment building.) classmate HK said to me when I had started to rebel against my mother. I don’t know why he said that.

PL. A teacher in primary school. Bullied me about blushing among other things. ”It’s good that you bully him,” he told HT, LK and JA. He said I resembled his old enemy. PL also grabbed me and spanked me on my buttocks in the presence and possibly with the help of LK, HT and JA. I threatened to retaliate when he’s a defenseless old man. Memory loss caused by them must have ensued.

HK. I suspect he took part in causing my blushing in elementary school. ”What color is a fire truck?” he once repeatedly asked me, and I didn’t understand what he was talking about. He probably made me know for the first time that your cheeks can go red and fed my mind with the idea that it’s something terrible you should be ashamed of. (Does someone teach kids tricks like this?)

##. Probably bullied me somehow when I was at kindergarten age. I remember she saying this to me when I was in elementary school: ”Do you know why I don’t bully you anymore? Because at this age it is better for me to be friendly towards you.” I am 99 percent sure about this memory. This is why I named her like that.

My relatives from elsewhere: EM2, AM, AM2, MH. They witnessed my mother hypnotize me memory loss in Kolari when instead of going straight to the children’s home (Or trying to get there by another way. I planned stabbing my mother but couldn’t do it. HK suggested shoplifting. If I wouldn’t get caught, I’d get free stuff and if I would get caught, they would have to place me in a children’s home. I turned down the idea because I felt shoplifting was wrong. And I didn’t go talk to a children’s home worker when HK suggested that.) I had gone for an extra vacation at my grandmother’s place by the suggestion of MA2 and my mother. I was afraid and hesitated moving to the children’s home. I wished for a foster home, but MA2 said there was a shortage of them in Nokia and that they were meant for others. At my grandmother’s place AM tried to persuade me into not moving to a children’s home by just saying: ”Then we will never see you again either.” I held onto my strengthened decision to go into a children’s home and my mother said: ”I will brainwash him.” EM2 bullied me: ”Shortly, you won’t remember a thing.” She had also witnessed my mother sexually abuse me when I was a small child. During a car trip back to Nokia my mother said I had had a childhood ”full of sunshine”. ”Did I?” I said and believed it. At Myllyhaka School my classmates asked what my relatives had done to me. I no longer wanted to go into a children’s home and was like nothing had ever happened. ”They brainwashed him,” HT said to MA2 at the beginning of a class. MA2 answered: ”Then they brainwashed him! Doesn’t matter as long as he does him homework.” I had earlier stopped doing my homework as a protest until I’d get to a children’s home.

My mother later gave me signs I didn’t get as an amnesiac of understanding completely what she had done to me and being satisfied with the situation. At high school age as I was spending a free period at home, she asked me what class I had next. ”Psychology,” I answered. She just chuckled and said: ”the Oedipus complex.” Once they talked about the Fritzl case on TV. ”I wonder if I’m that sick too…” my mother said. Another time there was a story on TV about the austerity measures of the Aho administration in the early 1990s depression and my mother said my life was ruined because of them. So she understood my life was very bad and possibly alluded to me not getting rescued from her as a small child because of the spending cuts or for some other reason. I didn’t have a habit of watching television with my mother, but I often stopped to glance at it after leaving my room, where I spent most of my time. ”I have now got him to pity me,” I heard my mother tell her sister EM2 on the phone (She was close only with her, she always talked to her a certain way and didn’t call others much.) when I was in junior high school. I then pitied her because she worked two jobs. I sometimes sank to seeing my life as normal forgetting what all was missing from it.

[At primary school age I also bullied one boy outside of school hours. Before it, AB told me he would show me what sadism is and make me bully him. The most extreme bullying situation was talking him into drinking water from a creek by saying it was ”magic water”. DB was there with his brother and told me that I now knew what it is like to bully. I bullied because it felt good. You can be in all kinds of states. I didn’t get to start my life as wise and good.

At daycare age I bullied a boy with his brother. We put him in the tire of a cable slide at the playground in a way that somehow caused him to scrape his head on the ground along the way. What happened surprised and scared me. I asked him to do something to me as a punishment and not to tell his parents so that my mother wouldn’t hear about it and get angry with me. I don’t remember he doing anything to me. My mother did hear about it and remorse was never enough for her… The other brother had a habit of bullying me too. ”You bully too!” JH was able to say and feign righteousness after my actions.

In elementary school, I threw a boy in our class into the snow in a wrestling-like manner a few times on our way from school. I did it even though he asked me not to. DB had been doing the same to me. It just came out of me. I gave JA an excuse to start ”defending” him. He probably was there in the above-mentioned dressing room situations, most likely knew about my memory losses and was once ”on LK’s side” in elementary school. {During one recess in middle school, he started talking with an annoying parodic Romani accent and didn’t stop when I asked him to… His ethnic background includes Romani heritage, I believe. I never noticed it as a kid.}

I bullied a cousin of mine a little bit with his brother when I was in primary school age. They also choked me unconscious and memoryless after telling me their parents had sexually abused them. They were not ready to turn against their parents. Once at elementary school age, I caught fish with his brother and we froze them alive feeling macabre or sadistic pleasure. It was my idea. I later regretted it as the worst thing I had ever done.

Once in my elementary school years one of the boys in my neighborhood was throwing sticks in the spokes of the bicycle of a handicapped boy older than me. I joined in and caused him to fall down. He wasn’t hurt badly, thankfully.

In kindergarten age, I bullied our family cat by scaring her. I wrapped her in a blanket so that she couldn’t scratch me and scared her by growling and grimacing. Then I stopped and calmed her down. And after that I shocked her terribly by doing it again. My mother had behaved similarly towards me. And so had the bullies in my neighborhood. I remember AB promising to be my friend or to stop bullying me if I started to bully our cat. But I had already been doing it. (Later the cat attacked me and scarred my head when I had gone to pet her kittens while she was asleep.)

My mother, my relatives, my neighbors, my classmates, my teachers, my healthcare contacts… So, evil came into my life from many directions. But did it all have a shared origin?

During my elementary school years, I also sometimes bullied and was mean to another cousin of mine. I was often annoyed at how my mother was more friendly towards her than me. I once broke her kite we had flown together for many days. Meanness just arose from me. I have later suspected that her mother was also a ”zombie”. I also had a vision-like experience about this cousin of mine that could be interpreted as messaging that she had also turned into a walking dead person later. I wonder if someone is trying to wipe out my family.]